Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Letter to Tiny

Dear Tiny,
Ever wonder where that nickname came from?  Well, when me and your Daddy went to our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, you were 6 days smaller than Landon was.  From that moment on, you were "Tiny" and Landon was "Bigun."  I was so excited to be pregnant with twins.  It's one of those things that I always wanted, but never really expected to happen.  So, when Dr. Mellon asked, "What would you do if it was twins?" and I responded, "I'd be ecstatic," he was definitely shocked!

I'll never forget, when he started the ultrasound, he paused a little and wasn't saying anything.  I started to get a little worried, when he finally gave us the news that it was twins!  I was on Cloud 9, immediately brought down by the warning that you were much smaller, so we'd have to keep and eye on things.  What this meant at the moment was that I'd have to come back in two weeks, which was fine with me.  I never once thought that something would be wrong.

Two weeks later, back in that same office, I was devastated to find only one heartbeat on the ultrasound.  I've never felt pain like that in my life.  Dr. Mellon informed me that it happens to a lot of people, but of course I felt so alone.  It's definitely one of those things in life that can only be truly understood by another woman who has had that same misfortune.  People might be able to sympathize, but they can't truly know the pain that's never-ending.  It's just one of those things that you can never forget.

One thing is certain, not a birthday of Landon's goes by without me thinking of you, not a holiday that I don't think what it would be like to have you here, being a part of our family.  I know that I'll see you one day and that gives me some comfort.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a little piece of my heart breaks every time I see a set of twins.  For some reason, I just knew you would be a little girl and that's the way that I think of you.  I know that everything happens for a reason.  I have complete faith in that, but this is the one thing in my life that I don't know what that reason was.  Maybe one day I will, but for now, I just rely on the fact that you're in Heaven, watching over our little family and knowing that your momma loved you, and loves you still, more than words.


Meredith said...

awww!! :( Love ya!!

Sissy said...

Only one thing comes to mind. a mother's love is ultimately unconditional....nothing is required in return...I love you

Becky said...

And as these tears are falling I miss her so bad.....But you are right. We will be with her one day....and she is forever in my heart as well! I love you. Moma

Nichole said...

My heart breaks that you know that pain.
We lost a baby at 8 weeks and it was truly devastating.
That baby will always be in my heart. Always.
Sending you huge hugs...

The Granings said...

Thank you so much for sharing of yourself, sharing your family's story, and helping to bring comfort to others.