A Letter to Tiny

Dear Tiny,
Ever wonder where that nickname came from?  Well, when me and your Daddy went to our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, you were 6 days smaller than Landon was.  From that moment on, you were "Tiny" and Landon was "Bigun."  I was so excited to be pregnant with twins.  It's one of those things that I always wanted, but never really expected to happen.  So, when Dr. Mellon asked, "What would you do if it was twins?" and I responded, "I'd be ecstatic," he was definitely shocked!

I'll never forget, when he started the ultrasound, he paused a little and wasn't saying anything.  I started to get a little worried, when he finally gave us the news that it was twins!  I was on Cloud 9, immediately brought down by the warning that you were much smaller, so we'd have to keep and eye on things.  What this meant at the moment was that I'd have to come back in two weeks, which was fine with me.  I never once thought that something would be wrong.

Two weeks later, back in that same office, I was devastated to find only one heartbeat on the ultrasound.  I've never felt pain like that in my life.  Dr. Mellon informed me that it happens to a lot of people, but of course I felt so alone.  It's definitely one of those things in life that can only be truly understood by another woman who has had that same misfortune.  People might be able to sympathize, but they can't truly know the pain that's never-ending.  It's just one of those things that you can never forget.

One thing is certain, not a birthday of Landon's goes by without me thinking of you, not a holiday that I don't think what it would be like to have you here, being a part of our family.  I know that I'll see you one day and that gives me some comfort.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a little piece of my heart breaks every time I see a set of twins.  For some reason, I just knew you would be a little girl and that's the way that I think of you.  I know that everything happens for a reason.  I have complete faith in that, but this is the one thing in my life that I don't know what that reason was.  Maybe one day I will, but for now, I just rely on the fact that you're in Heaven, watching over our little family and knowing that your momma loved you, and loves you still, more than words.

Ten on Thursday

I haven't done one of these in while..so why not?

1. This is my last week of maternity leave..actually I have 4 more days before I have to go to work to be exact.  Not that I'm counting!  I really am ready to get back into the groove of things because I get stir crazy not having a routine..but then again, I hate to leave my little chunky monkey.  She's so sweet and such a good baby that I haven't been stressed really at all on this maternity leave like I was with the boys.
2. I really, really want the new iPhone when it comes to Verizon in February.  Unfortunately, I still have time on my contract, so I'd have to buy one straight out.  I still might..I want one that bad!
3. I'm so ready for Lily to grow up a little so I can see how her personality will shine..but then again, I want her to be my little baby forever!
4. Chris told me this past week that he might not want four kids after all.  Apparently, he's tired..not sure why..I mean I know he has like 3 jobs and a demanding wife, and 3 kids..but what's the problem?  Haha..he'll change his mind!
5. After 5 months with one vehicle, we finally bought a second one again.  I feel like we probably could've went a little longer with only one because it really wasn't that bad, but we found a good deal on a truck and Chris really wanted a truck to be able to pick stuff up when we need to.  For instance, we tied the Christmas tree to the top of the Yukon "Griswold style" the past two Christmas', we had to take our brand new tv out of the box just to get it home from the store, and the list goes on and on since we haven't had a truck for 5 years now!
6. I'm so over this cold weather.  I'm ready for pools, beaches and baseball games!
7. Landon read me a book last night.  Their class has to bring a book home twice a week and do a worksheet on it after they read it to a family member.  I can't believe my baby boy is reading already!
8. Nixon has been a little sick this past week..fever off and on, headaches off and on, and just not feeling good.  I'm taking him to the doctor this afternoon.  I hope he feels better soon.  It stresses moma out when her babies don't feel good!
9. We're planning a trip to Atlantis in June 2012.  I know it's a long way away, but I'm already excited!
10. I really need to find some cabinet pulls for my kitchen and bathroom cabinets.  They're so expensive, but I'm afraid I'm going to mess up my cabinets if I don't get some soon.  :(

What's My Name Again?

I love having nicknames for people..maybe because I've had so many myself.  I was always my moma's Sunshine, my grandma's Tootle and my grandpa's Ertle May.  I asked Nixon today what his middle name was..to which he replied "Butterbean!"  That little boy kills me sometimes..He's always been my Butterbean since he was born and Chris' Tubby.  He's just one of those kids who nicknames stick with.  Chris, since Day 1 of us dating has been my Pooky, much to his displeasure I'm sure!  Lily has many nicknames also (even though she's only 5 weeks old!) like Chunk, Bunny, and my favorite (which seems to stick with me the most) Pudding.  Don't ask why, because I'm not really sure!  Chris calls her Turtle because of how she loves to stretch and turn her neck at the same time when she's sleeping.  But Landon, my first born, still doesn't have a nickname.  For some reason this really bothers me, but I just can't make one fit for him.  He started out as Boo Boo, which didn't last long.  The only other one I've ever called him is Babycakes, but that's not something he's really going to like when he's a teenager!  Why this bothers me, I'm not sure, but I have to find a nickname for him...any suggestions??

A Mother's Love

It's crazy how strong a mother's love can be..and how different.  I have three very special babies that I love in completely different ways.  Landon asked me last night who my favorite was.  And while I don't have a favorite, I love them all the same for different reasons.

When Landon was born, I had postpartum depression so bad that it took me a few weeks to really feel any connection to him at all.  I was so overwhelmed from the depression and being a new mother that I really just wanted my life back the way it used to be.  I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth.  But after the depression fog lifted, it was like he had always been there and I couldn't imagine life without him!  I love the way that Landon knows exactly when you need a hug or a kiss.  He's one of the sweetest little boys you'll ever meet.  I've even had teachers tell me that he's very intuitive to his friends feelings.  He'll always make sure that his friends are happy and that no one is being left out.  He's a great big brother and always taking care of Nixon and now Lily.  While Landon doesn't like to cuddle, you know that he loves you and wants to make you happy.

When Nixon was born, I didn't have the depression, just overwhelmed going from a parent of one to a parent of two.  There was all this pressure to make sure that you were taking care of both kids' needs and making sure you pay enough attention to both and love them the same.  I love Nixon because he loves to cuddle.  He loves to climb right up in your lap and he's content to just sit like that forever.  To this day, he doesn't like to be in a room by himself.  He wants someone to constantly be with him.  While he can drive you crazy with his constant mischievous ways, he'll then look at you with the cutest little grin and you can't stay mad for long!

Once Lily was born, I felt an instant connection.  I don't know if it's because I've always wanted a girl, because I had absolutely no postpartum, because I actually found out what I was having before I had her (so I had more time to connect while I was still pregnant), or a combination of all of these.  All I know is that I can't get enough of her and I can't wait for her personality to shine through and see how she fits into our family dynamic.

I love all three of my babies in completely different ways and until you become a mother, you really don't know what unconditional love is.  You'd do anything for them, anything to make them happy.  Your first priority is always on your children.  I love you Landon, Nixon and Lily...with all my heart!!

My Goals for 2011

I'm choosing not to call them "New Year's Resolutions" on purpose.  Seems if you call them that, they automatically don't happen!  So, I have 3 goals for this year.

1. Lose 30 lbs.  I know this sounds like a lot.  But, if I lose 30 lbs, I'll be back at my college weight, the weight I was when I got married, the weight I still was when I found out I was pregnant with Landon, the weight I got back to 2 weeks after having Landon and the weight I haven't been since that 2 week period after Landon was born!  This has been a goal of mine for a while.  I've gotten about halfway there and then I lose my motivation and gain it all back.  This time, Chris and I are trying to "get healthy" together, so I'm hoping this is something that I can achieve in 2011!

2.  Pay off $6000 in debt.  Why this amount?  Well, I certainly have more than that in debt, but goals are supposed to be something that you feel you can achieve and with tax refunds, Chris's salary from the community college, and just plain sticking to a budget, I feel that $6000 is a very attainable goal.

3.  Read my Bible/do a Bible study at least 3 times a week.  I know, I know, I should do this everyday but with three small kids, a full-time job, and a husband with 3 jobs, it's hard to always find the quiet time in our house.  Right before Lily was born, I was doing this every morning before the kids got up, so I hope to start this again once she's on a more normal sleeping schedule.  I got a new Chronological Bible for Christmas and I can't wait to dive into my Bible study again!

So, those are my 3 goals for 2011.  I'm hoping by putting them out there for anyone to see that I feel the pressure to actually do something about them, instead of just letting them go a few months into the year.

Lily - One Month Old!

It's hard to believe my baby girl is already one month old!  We went for her well check today and at one month, Lily weighs 10 lbs (75th percentile) and is 21.5" in length (60th percentile).  Here are some of her milestones thus far:

*Loves to smile at you, especially when she's eating her bottle in the middle of the night!  It's hard to be mad at her for waking you up when she's looking so cute!

*Starting to coo a little.

*Moves her arms and legs like crazy!  It's hard to change a diaper already and she's only a month old!

*Makes raspberries with her mouth, or blows spit bubbles at you.

*Loves to be rocked to sleep, especially by her moma!  :)

*Cries every time her daddy kisses her.