Motherhood...

I've been thinking lately how there are so many things that people don't tell you about becoming a mother.  You see people post about how much they love their babies from the first moment they look at them.  I do believe this is true for some because that's how I felt with both of my girls.  What people don't say is sometimes, it just doesn't happen.  And that can make you all kinds of sad.  For some reason, I didn't feel that instant connection with either of my boys. Perhaps, it was the overwhelming feeling of becoming a mother, paired with that crippling postpartum depression that prevented it from happening.  I thought I was prepared, but then came the overwhelming sadness of having my former self just not exist anymore and that threw me for a loop.  Then, when the breast-feeding just doesn't work and you have that guilt..you just want things back the way they were.  But, eventually that fog lifts and you're left with a baby who really didn't know you were sad.  He didn't know you had those feelings that you'll feel guilty about for the rest of your life. It's crazy.  Then, boy #2 comes along and I had all those same feelings, but for different reasons..will my first born still feel important and loved?  Was I ready to have baby #2?  Why didn't I try to breastfeed this time?  Maybe it would've been different? And still, the instant connection doesn't happen.  By baby #3 and baby #4, I think I was so used to being a mom, I was able to truly relax and enjoy those babies from Day 1!  It's sad that it takes some of us longer to figure things out because let me tell you, mommy guilt is real!  And it doesn't matter how well-adjusted or happy the kids are, I still feel guilty for not bonding instantly.  

Time moves on, kids get bigger and more independent.  Then, one day, you're just driving along and realize that your oldest doesn't have to be reminded to put deodorant on or to fix his hair anymore.  In the back of your mind, you know this has to have something to do with starting middle school and that he's probably starting to get interested in girls.  While you're happy that he's finally doing these things you've been nagging about, you're also sad because he's not so little anymore.  You realize that you're having actual conversations now.  He tells you about what's bothering him and these are real problems that he's starting to face.  But then, they still want a hug and kiss at night and you cling to the fact that you still have his heart for a while longer.  

There are times that weekends are so jam packed, everyone is stressed and you're not sure how you'll get through this stage of life.  But, the next moment, you can look at those precious babies and you think to yourself, 'I love them so much it hurts'.  You feel so proud when they do something good and you know that you had a hand in developing that awesome human being.  

Motherhood can be summed up perfectly..the days are long, but the years are short.